“You don’t look like a mom.”
I’ve had a few people say this to me during my early years as a mother. I was barely 30 years old when I gave birth to my first child, and my body was quick to return to my pre-pregnancy figure. My mom was slim when she was younger, too, so I have genetics to thank. Plus, my son nursed like there’s no tomorrow, deflating me faster than any diet could.
Was I lucky? I guess so. But did I like being told that I didn’t look like a mom? I won’t lie—I kinda did.
I was tired, sleep-deprived, and felt blah-looking most of the time. I had stretch marks, my hair was falling off, and had my discolored armpits hidden under cute clothes. My showers were always hurried, I no longer had time for mani-pedis, and I could barely put on any makeup. Such is the reality of motherhood. If by saying “You don’t look like a mom,” they meant I looked like my younger, non-mom self, I was ready to take it.
Two kids and almost a decade later, I know better. It wasn’t a compliment after all.
It’s a statement that reflects deeply ingrained societal prejudices—one that speaks loudly of the unrealistic standards expected of women, and which perpetuates the idea that we should look a certain way. “You don’t look like a mom.” Do you mean I ought to be frumpy, fat, and unkempt just because I birthed and am caring for a tiny human? What are moms supposed to look like, anyway?
Beauty, biases, and motherhood
Women have long been expected to conform to certain standards of beauty and femininity, and it’s well-documented in history. Ancient civilizations prized symmetry and fertility, while the Renaissance favored voluptuousness. The Victorian era idealized modesty, contrasting with the youthful “flapper” look of the 1920s. Post-war beauty emphasized the hourglass figure and domesticity. In recent years, there has been a growing push for inclusivity and body positivity, challenging traditional norms.
And while women are no longer squeezing into corsets or decking themselves out like Stepford Wives to please their husbands, stereotypes continue to exist, largely fuelled by pop culture and social media.
You have to look like a mom but also not look like a mom, because, by default, moms are somehow expected to look out of sorts.
In the Philippines, a culture of misogyny and sexism prevails, with 2023 data from the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) showing that a staggering 99.5 percent of Filipinos hold biases against women. Surprisingly, this includes prejudice from females, too.
In Filipino households, older generations are seemingly stuck in the past, with the moms and aunts often being the first to criticize younger women for how they look and act—in the guise of being helpful. Things like “If you don’t watch your weight, no one will marry you!” or “You should stop wearing that!” are just some of the few gender-biased comments Filipino women are regularly subjected to.
And then there’s the pressure to be the perfect mom. You have to embody traits of nurturing, domesticity, and self-sacrifice, but also, you have to be beautiful. You have to be thin but not too thin, otherwise, how can you breastfeed? You have to look well-rested and presentable, but not too fab—because people will think you’re not mothering enough. You have to look like a mom but also not look like a mom, because, by default, moms are somehow expected to look out of sorts.
Real moms, real struggles
Three women share their most vulnerable moments after being criticized for their looks as mothers. We’re filing these under “Things you should never say to moms.”
“These days, it’s no longer acceptable for moms to ‘let go’ of themselves after childbirth.”
Sasha Lim Uy-Mariposa, a 33-year-old editor and mom of two, had always been thin. So when she didn’t ‘bounce back’ after pregnancy, it was a big adjustment for her—and apparently, everyone else around her.
“I gained around 10 pounds after my first kid and another 10 pounds on top of that after my second kid. I never felt particularly ‘fat’ but I knew I was bigger,” she says. “Last December, during a Christmas get-together, my aunt told me that I was getting quite big. She gave me a lecture on how I shouldn’t let myself go just because I have a kid. Her words were: ‘These days, it’s no longer acceptable for moms to ‘let go’ of themselves after childbirth.’
This hit this mom quite hard. “Our current environment right now is [all about] acceptance and letting others be. That’s the banner now for moms, right—that you don’t need to bounce back.” She continues, “On top of the weight, I have genetic baldness. So [after] each pregnancy, I lost a lot of hair. Now I barely have any hair left!”
I think we need to show our kids that we need to take care of ourselves.—Sasha Lim Uy-Mariposa
Instead of feeling defeated, Mariposa used the criticism as motivation to get back on track. As of writing, she’s already hit her goal weight; she just has to maintain it—not for her aunt, but for herself.
“My style is very much suited to my old body so I felt so bad gaining so much weight and not fitting into my usual style,” she says. “I wouldn’t say I let myself go. I felt I evolved. I started wearing a lot of baggy clothes and just wore loungewear. It didn’t help that I’m work-from-home.”
And with two little boys to tend to on top of her full-time job, Mariposa admits to feeling stressed out most of the time. “To be honest, I know I sometimes look [shabby or unkempt, or as if I’ve let go of myself], especially with my weight gain. But my sons Luca and Miro always tell me I am beautiful! [And I let myself indulge in their compliments!]”
“This year, I really took self-care to heart,” she says. “I think we need to show our kids that we need to take care of ourselves. When my kids see my husband and me work out, they also work out and we are so proud when we see them love exercising and doing physical things and being healthy.”
“It also helps that my husband has the same values as me, so I feel supported,” she says. “You only need one person to empower you.”
“Why are you always so put together? Do you even take care of your kid?”
Holistic health coach Nichole Mercado, 41, is one of those ladies who always, always looks put-together. A former fashion and beauty editor, she’s always impeccably polished from head to toe—even when she’s working out at the gym. This didn’t change even after she welcomed her son, who’s now 10.
“I’m not really a ‘fab mom’ 24/7, but when I step out of the house, I make it a point to look presentable,” she says. “I’ve always found it a form of good manners, and dressing appropriately for the situation is a sign of respect for yourself and for the people around you.”
But even this didn’t spare her from the undue criticism. “People are quick to judge that I’m not a hands-on mom just because I make it a point to take care of myself, too,” she admits. “But why? It doesn’t have to be one or the other.”
“I think it’s high time we stop judging other moms,” Mercado says. “We’re all just trying to do our best and we all have different ways that work for us.”
She also firmly believes that you can’t pour from an empty cup. “For me, my number one form of self-care is movement, both for my physical and mental well-being. I schedule my workouts as if they were a meeting or an appointment—it’s non-negotiable,” she says. “It’s not selfish to prioritize our own needs. By doing this, I feel that I’m more able to present the best version of myself to my family.”
“Don’t you have time to look in the mirror and fix yourself up?”
Maria*, 35, knows a thing or two about beauty; it’s her business, after all. So to be told to “fix herself up” when she’s having one of those frazzled mommy days isn’t exactly something she wanted to hear.
“I attended a party with my relatives and I didn’t get to wear makeup since we were already rushing,” she recounts. “My two daughters, I was able to give each of them a shower and even chose nice outfits. As usual, for me, I just wore the first thing I saw in my closet. I stopped caring about my outfits since nothing fit well. I gained so much weight since my wedding and after I had my babies.”
“I just woke up one day and got tired of not looking ‘pretty’ to my standards.”—Maria*, 35
“When we arrived at the party, my cousin saw me and the first thing she said was, ‘Wow, grandma? Is that you?’ I guess she meant my dress looked like a daster (a house dress usually worn by Filipino grandmothers),” says Maria “Then she said, ‘Hey, maybe you should fix yourself up a little.'”
She was shocked but also felt guilty. It was true—she really didn’t fix herself up because she didn’t have the time. “I became defensive and always blamed it on the kids.”
Eventually, she started taking care of herself more. “I started working out again and eating healthier. Though I haven’t really lost a significant amount of weight, I started feeling good about myself,” she shares. “I have a new group of mommies that understand me and my situation more. I also found influencers who have the same body type as me—with a mommy pouch—helping me love my body more and dress better for my new figure.”
She shares: “I just woke up one day and got tired of not looking ‘pretty’ to my standards,” adding that it helps that her kids are a bit older now, giving her more freedom to prioritize her own needs.
What does a mom look like to you?
Caring, nurturing, responsible, selfless, loving. These are the words that we usually associate with the term “mother.” This can be attributed to historical and cultural archetypes, with figures like the Virgin Mary and even Mary Poppins heavily influencing our perceptions of the “ideal.” But we sometimes forget that a mother is a woman, too, and that she also can be adventurous, funny, sexy, chubby, sporty, and many more.
It’s about time we stop putting women, including moms, in a box and start recognizing and supporting the diverse realities of mothers today. And, whichever kind of mom you are—or whichever type you meet—remember that all of us are just trying our best, whatever that may be or look like at the moment. It doesn’t really matter if your version of ‘best’ means throwing on an oversized shirt and ratty yoga pants or a freshly ironed, pre-selected Sunday dress. To our babies, we’d still be the most beautiful women in the world.
Self-Care Starter Kit
There’s no better time than Mother’s Day to start showering yourself with self-love, Mama! Spoil yourself with these well-deserved pampering treats.
Eye refresher
The tried-and-tested eye cream gets an upgrade, making it even more effective in reducing dark circles, minimizing puffiness, and hydrating undereye skin.
Origins Ginzing Vitamin C Niacinamide Eye Cream
P,1800, Rustan’s
Luxurious belly oil
A golden blend of marula oil, passionfruit seed oil, and centella asiatica work together to powerfully nourish skin, improve elasticity, and minimize the look of stretch marks.
Evereden Golden Belly Serum
P3,400, Sephora Philippines
A whiff of relaxation
Truly a mood lifter, the otto candle combines fragrance notes that are elegant and complex and includes essential oils from rose petals. It’s the perfect way to kickstart a slow, relaxing me-time moment.
MALIN+GOETZ otto candle
P3,850, Rustan’s
Real-life skin filter
Get a quick glow boost with this versatile complexion enhancer that gives skin an instantly illuminated, lifted look. Wear it on bare skin, mixed with makeup, or as a highlighter.
blk cosmetics fresh radiant glow foundation
P549, Lazada
Overnight skin saver
Enjoy better sleep while preventing the signs of aging with this pillowcase made with high-quality charmeuse silk, preventing unnecessary friction on the skin while you snooze.
Slumber Glow Silk Pillowcase
P999, Frankie General Store
Sleep treat
Wake up to a fresher you with this unique jelly-textured mask infused with yuzu to support barrier function and leave skin feeling hydrated and supple. It also targets dullness, pores, and signs of stress and aging.
Yuzu Vitamin C Sleep Mask
P1,650, Rustan’s
Mood lifter
Sparkling notes of grapefruit, bitter orange, lime, and spearmint sit on a bed of subtle woody notes to give a perfectly uplifting scent that’s not too overpowering.
Jo By Jo Loves EDT
P9,000, Rustan’s
Hair helpers
Featuring natural hair-strengthening ingredients like kiwi, candlenut, and green pea, this set comes with a shampoo, a conditioner, and a serum, all specially created to address hair loss during pregnancy and breastfeeding.
