Most women never forget finding their first gray hair. (I found my first gray hair when I was in university, and in my shock and indignation, I immediately plucked the short, wiry intruder out.) The moment feels as grave and ominous as a Shakespearean tragedy—oh no, old age has come to claim me!—and immediately sends us into a spiral of defeat and despair.
Over the years, we’ve seen beauty standards for women slowly evolving to be more inclusive and accepting of more natural attributes. Curly haired girls have learned how to embrace their waves and coils. Morenas have fought against the culture of whitening, encouraging more brown babes to be proud of their darker skin. But the stigma towards white, gray or silver hair remains: You’re getting old. Liza, who has had some grays naturally woven in her hair for about ten years, is surprised that people notice and comment on her gray hair at all. “The comments range from ‘I think it’s time to get your hair colored’ to ‘Oh, you’re so brave to keep them gray, I’m not ready!’ to ‘I love the gray highlights’,” she shares.
Women unfortunately have been conditioned to believe that gray hair means they’re old, but thankfully, that seems to be changing.
But gray hair shouldn’t be surprising at all. It’s an inevitability for all humans: The cells in our hair follicles eventually stop producing melanin once we get older, resulting in our hair growing in lighter, whiter shades. People expect this to start happening as you approach midlife, but depending on genetics, it can happen as early as your teenage years.
Especially during the pandemic, more women have realized that they’ve spent years (decades, for some) stuck in an endless cycle of coloring their hair to cover their grays. It can be time-consuming, expensive, and frustrating—after spending hours and money on covering grays, you’ll still see them peeking out from your crown a couple of weeks later! Filipina actress Dawn Zulueta, who is 54 years old, is one such personality we saw embrace gray hair during the lockdown, chopping off her darker locks and showing off her salt and pepper ‘do. The term “grombré” (gray + ombré) popped up in articles, and the Instagram account @grombre started to see their numbers swell. (It had about 29,000 followers in 2018, and as of press time, they have 242,000 followers from around the world.) “A radical celebration of the natural phenomenon of grey hair,” the account’s profile says proudly, sharing crowdsourced photos and earnest, tenderly written manifestos of women with their naturally graying or white hair.
Gray Matters
However, not everyone feels that rocking gray hair is a celebration or revolution. Instead, it looks like letting one’s self go or giving up, a resigned acceptance of one’s advanced age. Noemi, who took on the grombré look during the pandemic, started coloring her hair again when the salons opened up again. “I liked the look at first but then felt I looked older with grombré look,” she admitted. It’s completely understandable: after all, women with a full head of gray hair will usually be in their 50s, 60s, and older. It seems only acceptable to let your grays grow if you’ve passed the mid-life stage. Until then, you keep the grays away. There are even a handful of old wives’ tales that caution us against behaviors that turn your hair white, like plucking out a gray hair (as it supposedly results in several ones popping in its place) and sleeping with wet hair. (Both are untrue.)
Interestingly, this sentiment seems to apply more to women. Rey Christopher is 38 and has a full head of salt and pepper hair, and it’s never been an issue for him. “I started getting gray hair in high school,” he says, with no hint of trauma or sadness—the complete opposite of how most women feel about their first grays. He never considered coloring it, and as more of his hair grew gray, people started to compliment the color. Indeed, when men grow out their gray hair, they’re called a “silver fox.” Celebrities like George Clooney (dubbed the “Godfather of Gray Hair” by Esquire UK), Anderson Cooper, Patrick Dempsey, and Tan France have grays, but are still considered “dashing” and “distinguished.”
Meanwhile, women feel undue pressure to color their grays immediately lest they be labeled “mature.” When fashion icon Sarah Jessica Parker was photographed with gray hair, the images went viral. “It became months and months of conversation about how brave I am for having gray hair,” she said in an interview with Allure. “There’s so much misogynist chatter in response to us that would never. Happen. About. A. Man,” she sighed in another interview with Vogue, pointing out that in that viral photo, she was sitting with gray-haired TV host Andy Cohen—and no one talked about his hair. “Why is it okay for him?” Some of the most beautiful and moving realizations from these transitions come from women who have found empowerment, joy, and confidence in embracing their grays—and themselves, in the process.
Seeing the (Silver) Light
Women unfortunately have been conditioned to believe that gray hair means they’re old, but thankfully, that seems to be changing. Scouring through the posts on @grombre, it’s obvious that the transition isn’t just a physical change, but an emotional roller coaster, and women are emerging feeling absolutely liberated. They’ve finally unshackled themselves from the endless loop of coloring and recoloring their roots every four to six weeks, reclaiming their time and money. They feel even better that they don’t have to expose their hair and bodies to the chemicals in hair dye. After all, many studies show that most products applied to your head and body can penetrate your skin. Aiban, 37, actually kickstarted her journey when she got pregnant. “I had a hard time conceiving, so when I finally was able to maintain a pregnancy, my doctor advised me not to dye my hair,” she shares. Now, she has stunning silver and white lush locks (and two kids). Silver, ash, or gray are actually all beautiful shades of hair color—and if you don’t believe it, other people will tell you so.
Some of the most beautiful and moving realizations from these transitions come from women who have found empowerment, joy, and confidence in embracing their grays—and themselves, in the process. “I’m so happy I found out what I’m supposed to look like,” declared one girl on @grombre. “It went beyond my hair and into my body. I did away with choices that were preventing me from seeing how my whole being is supposed to look, feel, and thrive.” Another girl shared: “I feel free. The gray no longer disgusts me. I feel powerful. Not everyone gets it, but that’s okay. I may have aged myself, but that’s okay, too. I look at myself and I don’t feel like I’m letting myself go. I know that’s what we have been programmed to believe. But it simply isn’t true.”
Another major realization: Silver, ash, or gray are actually all beautiful shades of hair color—and if you don’t believe it, other people will tell you so. “I have gotten a lot of compliments from random women everywhere, which has been great,” shares Aiban. “My favorite ones are those encounters with acquaintances or even strangers who come up to me to ask if my hair is natural, and then go on to say that they like it.” Definitely, it’s really not your hair color that ages you. You can look cute, stylish, fun, and youthful with naturally gray and silver hair.
Changing Your Haircare
Despite the many advantages, transitioning fully into your natural silver or gray remains a challenge. While you’ll find support in communities like @grombre on Instagram and Silver Revolution on Facebook, most people still think gray hair is for grandmas. I still get the occasional “Oh, but you’re too young for gray hair!” lamentation from people (unfortunately, they’re usually women) who see my sprouting silvers naturally mixed with the rest of my darker hair.
It also takes some time and effort to grow your grays out completely. Generally, it takes anywhere from eight months to two years, so you need patience and willpower, especially when your hair reaches that awkward stage where there’s a harsh line separating your gray hair from your still-colored hair. Any woman who has grown out her grays can share how tempting it is to color your hair once you reach that point; many women indeed do crack under the pressure of that skunk stripe, only to immediately regret finding themselves back at square one.
Of course, hair care needs to be adjusted. Gray hair is actually finer than colored hair but may feel coarse, wiry, and dry because the oil glands in our scalp produce less sebum. In case you haven’t invested in moisturizing treatments yet, you may want to add a deep conditioner or a hydrating mask to your regimen, as gray hair will need more moisture.
Brigeo’s Don’t Despair, Repair! Super Moisture Conditioner For Dry + Damaged Hair
P2,760 for 473mL on Sephora
AMIKA Hydro Rush Intense Moisture Mask
P2,470 on Sephora
Because they have less or no melanin, silver or gray hairs don’t get the natural protection they should against the sun and other environmental factors, resulting in the oxidation of hair proteins and looking yellow and dull. Purple shampoos can prevent this yellowing, as well as keep the grays brighter and shinier. Aiban uses a purple toning shampoo, conditioner, and mask at least twice a week. “I have naturally brown hair, so I feel the purple toning products really help in making the ‘mousy’ color of those hairs (that are in between brown and white) more gray, thus evening out the color better,” she says. Because they don’t contain any ammonia, semi-permanent dyes can act as toners and help reduce the unsightly yellowing.
L’Oreal Professionnel Serie Expert Silver Anti-Brassy Hair Purple Shampoo and Conditioner
P2,280 on Lazada
L’Oreal Paris Ever Pure Purple Shampoo and Conditioner
P790 on Lazada
Wella Professionals Color Fresh Mask Semi-Permanent Hair Color in Lilac Frost
P1,350 on Lazada
Finding Out if You’re Ready
If you’re not sure if you’re ready (or want) to go gray, the book “Silver Hair” by Lorraine Massey recommends you grow your natural hair out for at least two months. According to hair expert Kristy Wilson of Uptown Curl, eight weeks of regrowth will allow you to gauge the density of the silver and how different it is from front to back. You can decide if you want to embrace the natural grays, and what techniques you or your hair colorist can do. (See below for some techniques you can discuss.)
Speaking of colorists, it will be a huge help to find someone who will encourage and help you to grow your grays, instead of just wanting to color over it. “Any amount of silver is enough,” reiterates Kristy. If your colorist says you don’t have enough gray hairs, he or she may not know how to help you (or doesn’t want to).
After running into a lady who had a beautiful mix of her natural grays and lightened hair, I asked her where she had gotten her hair blended and then made an appointment for a consultation at Fend’z Hair Gallery. I had been looking for someone who could help suggest ways to let my grays grow, but most hair stylists just suggested I color over them. I was so relieved when hair artist Fendi Dudi saw my natural grays and loved them. “I have a lot of clients who ask me to do this to their hair,” he exclaimed, holding out my natural strands. When I was ready, he told me, he’d cut off the colored part, and leave my grays.
I was finally ready after a month, and Fendi gave me a great haircut that got rid of my extremely damaged, previously colored ends, then gave me a treatment to help with the dryness. Since then, I’ve completely enjoyed how vibrant, healthy, and fun my hair is, and despite the grays, I don’t feel it ages me at all. In fact, I’ve not received a single “you’re too young for gray hair” comment, and rightfully so, because once again, gray, silver, and white hair aren’t declarations of old age, but unique hair colors care of Mother Nature.
For anyone who wants to explore going gray, feel free to experiment. You can go all in, or change your mind and re-dye your hair in the future, but ultimately, it’s another chance to continuously explore and discover your own beauty for yourself. “I think that the best time to ‘enjoy’ my hair is while I’m ‘young,’” says Aiban. “Some people close to me have told me to dye my hair again, which can be irritating, but I just brush it off to people having archaic mindsets about how women should look,” she affirms. “At the end of the day, I like the way I look, which I feel is most important.”
TECHNIQUES FOR TRANSITIONING TO GRAY
If you’re thinking about going au naturel with your grays, there’s more than one way to do it.
JUST STOP COLORING.
Of course, going cold turkey is the easiest, most straightforward, and cost-effective way to go gray, but in several ways, it’s the most visibly jarring as it leaves you with a clear demarcation line between your colored hair and your gray hair. Once you do this, you will have to live with that visible separation for many months, depending on how quickly your hair grows. If you decide to stop coloring, just be patient and be prepared to live with that regrowth for a while. Play around with hairstyles, updos, and accessories!
TONING.
A toner (sometimes referred to as a gloss) is a semi-permanent dye that is often used to neutralize, soften, or enhance the color of your hair. While dyes color your hair depositing pigment into the hair’s cuticle, toners simply coat the strand without penetrating the hair structure. Typically, it’s used to adjust or remove the yellow and brassy tones that come from bleaching, but natural gray hairs can also appear yellow and dull due to dryness, sun exposure, and other environmental factors. To alleviate this, silver or purple toners can reduce that unwanted yellowness, but also enhance your hair, adding an overall silver hue and a healthy shine, making your hair color more even. You can go to a salon to get your hair toned (this will last about four to six weeks), but you can also try using a color-depositing shampoo and conditioner.
GRAY BLENDING WITH HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS.
If you’re not opposed to coloring your hair while growing grays, you can go to your salon and ask them if they can do gray blending for you. This is a technique that uses highlights and lowlights to create depth and dimension on your darker hair so that your grays mix more naturally with the rest of your base. That blending between can help soften the demarcation from the growing grays at the root but also create a more even, natural look. Unlike you covering your grays, you won’t have to keep coming back to the salon every month as this technique blends your grays into your base and makes them seem like they are part of the highlights.
DYE STRIP.
This is an ingenious way to avoid that harsh line between your grays and the rest of your hair—but this will take a lot of time and patience. With the dye strip technique, you need to part your hair on the side. Dye your hair, but only the top layer of that side part—keep the gray underneath. You will be letting the grays underneath grow, and they won’t be seen as the top layer remains dyed. Continue to dye the rest of your hair as well as that top layer, and once your grays grow to the full length of your hair (which may take anywhere from a few months to two years), flip your part to reveal a full head of gray.
HAIR MATCHING.
Ask a stylist to look at your growing grays, and re-color your hair completely to match and capture a fully gray/silver color. This will be an intensive job, as they will most likely have to remove any color in your hair, possibly bleach your hair to lighten it, and then come in with a mix of dye, highlights, and lowlights. You’ll also have to keep maintaining the overall look and color at the salon, but it’s a radical and quick way to get and enjoy fully gray hair.
